I was suicidal last winter

via The Mighty | We face disability, disease and mental illness together  

I was isolated, sick, depressed and ignored.  (Fibromyalgia, ME/CFS)  My husband didn’t listen to my repeated attempts at conversation about wanting to die.  He wouldn’t agree to buy me CBD pills to make me feel better.  I was alone in a dark room with a migraine much of the time… with a dresser drawer full of handguns, some of them loaded.

One night in April, some guys I hired off facebook came and moved my belongings out to another house and I left a note, left my husband of 26 years while he was out at the bar.  I’m filing for divorce.

Today, I’m more alive than I’ve been in years.

He’s Cheating On Me

I know I haven’t written a post in a long time.  Every time I have felt like writing, and there have been several- it always felt like it was going to be a rant or a complaint.  I want to write about good things, uplifting things, things that are interesting to read about without bringing the reader down.  But this has been a really shitty year, all around.  Every day, I wake up wondering if trump is going to start world war 3 with NK.  The massive GOP tax scam bill has passed and the rich get richer.  Read my twitter feed for the sorry blow by blow of the last six months or twelve months or whatever.  It’s sickening and pathetic.  I used to think this country was great; boy was I naive.

This past spring was my 25th wedding anniversary with my husband.  We had dinner out and took our picture via tripod at the gazebo where we were married.  It was pretty much a non-event because I wasn’t feeling great.

This summer was hard.  I hurt my knee really bad and was using a cane to walk.  On top of that, I had an ME/CFS flare that kept me in bed for 4-hour naps in the afternoon and moving like a snail the rest of the time.  I was really out of it.  The bright spot was our August trip to Tennessee to see the solar eclipse.  The trip was tolerable but the event itself was spectacular.  I can’t wait for the next one in 2024 that comes through Ohio.

This autumn, I had x-rays, physical therapy, doctor visits, and came out of the ME/CFS flare.  My mind is clearer and I am only needing one nap in the morning for one hour so I’m much more awake.  My knee is still sore and I am still doing the exercises but now I can walk again.  Because of that, I was able to cut back on my pain meds, by almost half.  I’m woke.

Then I started noticing stuff.  He stopped wearing his wedding ring.  He took his picture of me out of his wallet.  He lost 5 lbs. and is working on losing more.  He bought new clothes for himself and is suddenly concerned that he not have any holes in his socks and has on nice underwear on Friday night.  (He goes out every Friday to shoot pool and have a few beers.)  He started wearing cologne on these “shooting pool” nights.  This past Thursday, he cleaned out his car, after saying its so dirty, it’s embarrassing.  To who??  I have nagged him for YEARS to clean his car.  Usually, I get fed up and clean it myself when I clean out my car during the summer, but this summer I was sick.  He cleaned it outside in the driveway, in freezing temps, with the wind blowing.  His excuse was that he was looking for a button off a broken flashlight.  He actually vacuumed.  I have never seen this man vacuum a car in 25 years.

His attitude toward me is weird too- sometimes being mean and yelling at me for no good reason, and other times, gentle and caring.  He has been being really nice to me on Thursdays.  (hahaha) I don’t get it.

I’m angry.  I’m scared. I’m conflicted, to say the least.  What if he leaves me?  I have no income.  I am very ill and I don’t qualify for SSDI because I spent my working years on our rental properties (which seem pretty much worthless now).  The rental business was never incorporated so I didn’t pay into SS.  We paid a flat tax on the income, that was it.

I kinda feel sorry for him and I’m torn about if I should be angry if he is having sex outside of our marriage because I can’t- but if he is falling in love with someone and is going to leave me, this is the end of my world.   I really don’t know what to do.   Confront?  Stay quiet and hope it goes away?  He would lie and deny.    I am his second wife.  I’m guessing this is the scenario that happened with his first wife of 18 years.  Thankfully, he was already divorced a while before he met me so I had nothing to do with whatever happened that time.   I have this terrible urge to contact his first wife and ask her what I should do, but that seems like an equally horrible idea.  He is 71 years old so it would be pretty stupid of him to dump me and start over again.  I would get half of all assets and alimony.  So do I just sit back quietly and wait for it to fizzle out?  Let him do his thing?  Or blow up my world and confront him?  Advice?  Anyone?

(scroll down to leave a comment)

Childhood trauma leads to lifelong chronic illness — so why isn’t the medical community helping patients?

Source: Childhood trauma leads to lifelong chronic illness — so why isn’t the medical community helping patients?

Something Else!

I finally got all the testing done, received my results and talked with my doctor.    He said according to the MRI, there are signs of migraines but he doesn’t know what caused the blindness. I told him he was right about his diagnosis but there are two types of ocular migraines and the retinal one can cause blindness for up to an hour.  He did not know that, or if he did in the past, he had forgotten.  I am so happy it’s not MS!  My Uncle Ralph had multiple sclerosis and was in a wheelchair before he died.  Another late uncle of mine had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) and my grandmother had Parkinson’s.  Central nervous system disorders are a genetic possibility and greatly worry me.  My fibromyalgia is considered a central nervous system disorder.

As for the hyperreflexia, he did not address that issue.  I was so happy about the lack of brain lesions, I forgot to ask.  I suppose it’s possible it was an after-effect of my cat trying to kill me with the freezer door.  It was most likely a concussion.  I’ve had at least 3 now and only went to the hospital for one.  It occurred to me that I tend to avoid the emergency room unless I think I am actually dying or if I need stitches because an injury won’t stop bleeding.  I guess I should reconsider that stance!

My murderous Simon, looking all innocent.

MS or Something Else?

Part 2 of my last post, Friday Afternoon

Letter to my sister:

“My doctor scolded me for not going to the hospital. He said if it happens again, go to the hospital immediately. He ordered an MRI for my brain and neck, and a MRA for both my head and my neck. He wants me to go asap but I don’t know if my insurance will allow it. I may have to wait until January. I have no sinus infection, so no antibiotics. My ears and throat are fine. It looks like it is MS or a blood clot that may have blocked the blood causing my eye to go half blind for 5 minutes or so.  He had me stand on one foot, raise my hands, walk in a straight line, close my eyes and he touched my fingertips to see if I could feel the right one-

He shone the light in my eyes and waved it around in a big circle to see if I could see left and right with my head still. It all seems fine now, no sign of a stroke. He said people don’t lose eyesight temporarily from a sinus infection. Sooooooo, now I wait for testing.”

*******************

     My doctor asked in a round-about way if I had my neck “adjusted” (by a chiropractor) or had some kind of neck injury.  I said no at the time and then later that night, I remembered and had to send him an email the next morning…

     ” I’ve had time to think and yes, 8-10 days ago, I may have jerked my head back hard. I was bent over, digging around in our chest freezer when my 10 lb cat decided to jump for the top edge of the open freezer door. It crashed down on the top/back of my skull (left side) and I jumped up and backward. I remember the door hitting my left shoulder as I went back, before it slammed shut. My vision dimmed for a few seconds but it did not knock me out. I walked upstairs okay and put an ice-pack on my head. Any headache or neck pain resulting from the injury would have been ignored because I always have headaches and neckaches. A day or two later, I noticed a small scab on my scalp so it drew just a tiny bit of blood. Sorry, I didn’t remember this when we spoke. Shawna “

     His reply was “Get the MRI and MRA tests done as ordered.”

     Hubby is annoyed that we will have to go to battle with the insurance company and pay the deductible plus 20%, if we can get them to approve 3 procedures ordered by a doctor who is out of network.  Plus, there is the added sting of starting a new deductible with a new company next month.

     The moral to the story is  YES, MY CAT IS TRYING TO KILL ME.

Friday Afternoon

My body has always thought it’s a wonderful trick to play- get a new, weird symptom on a Friday afternoon when the doctor’s office is about to close for the weekend.  I have to determine quickly, is this going to kill me or can it wait until Monday?

Yesterday was a doozy. I was writing out holiday cards at the time and was having trouble focusing well enough to write the names and addresses. It was early afternoon and almost time for my afternoon nap when I suddenly got two hard muscle spasms in my cheek and the area on the right side of my mouth went tingly, then numb. The tingly lip thing had been happening on and off for about a week prior.  I assumed it was just fibromyalgia messing with me again, although the face spasm was a new twist.   Then I realized my vision was darker and I got scared.  I ran to the bathroom to find my right pupil was large and my left one was small.  I could still grin and my eyelids were not drooping or anything so it wasn’t Bells Palsy or a stroke.  I covered one eye and then the other.  My left eye with the small pupil was reacting to light and seeing the room well lit and bright.  My right eye pupil was large, not really reacting, and the room seemed quite a bit darker, with a blue or gray haze over it.

I did some quick googling and there are like 74 reasons your pupils could be a different size.  But with the particular symptoms I have, it kept coming back to Multiple Sclerosis. Don’t you just love the symptom checker on WebMD?  LOL  Ten years ago, when I was first diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I questioned if it could actually be MS.  My Uncle Ralph had MS so it is in my family.  The specialist assured me I had Fibro because of the tender point test when I almost accidentally punched him.  Fight or Flight!

In the past year, I’ve developed ME/CFS supposedly- extreme exhaustion and fatigue, made worse by activity. I’m also experiencing swollen glands and sore throats more often than normal along with headaches, weakness, and trouble walking.  Wait, most of those are also symptoms of MS.  Though swollen glands and sore throat are not as far as I can tell.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and checked my eyes again.  The right pupil is still bigger.  My vision is still a little bit off.  I have a headache and my eye hurts.  And I am still anxious, angry, and almost resigned to the fact that life sucks and it isn’t going to get better…. Unless the Electoral College Electors put Hillary in office!!