I know I haven’t written a post in a long time. Every time I have felt like writing, and there have been several- it always felt like it was going to be a rant or a complaint. I want to write about good things, uplifting things, things that are interesting to read about without bringing the reader down. But this has been a really shitty year, all around. Every day, I wake up wondering if trump is going to start world war 3 with NK. The massive GOP tax scam bill has passed and the rich get richer. Read my twitter feed for the sorry blow by blow of the last six months or twelve months or whatever. It’s sickening and pathetic. I used to think this country was great; boy was I naive.
This past spring was my 25th wedding anniversary with my husband. We had dinner out and took our picture via tripod at the gazebo where we were married. It was pretty much a non-event because I wasn’t feeling great.
This summer was hard. I hurt my knee really bad and was using a cane to walk. On top of that, I had an ME/CFS flare that kept me in bed for 4-hour naps in the afternoon and moving like a snail the rest of the time. I was really out of it. The bright spot was our August trip to Tennessee to see the solar eclipse. The trip was tolerable but the event itself was spectacular. I can’t wait for the next one in 2024 that comes through Ohio.
This autumn, I had x-rays, physical therapy, doctor visits, and came out of the ME/CFS flare. My mind is clearer and I am only needing one nap in the morning for one hour so I’m much more awake. My knee is still sore and I am still doing the exercises but now I can walk again. Because of that, I was able to cut back on my pain meds, by almost half. I’m woke.
Then I started noticing stuff. He stopped wearing his wedding ring. He took his picture of me out of his wallet. He lost 5 lbs. and is working on losing more. He bought new clothes for himself and is suddenly concerned that he not have any holes in his socks and has on nice underwear on Friday night. (He goes out every Friday to shoot pool and have a few beers.) He started wearing cologne on these “shooting pool” nights. This past Thursday, he cleaned out his car, after saying its so dirty, it’s embarrassing. To who?? I have nagged him for YEARS to clean his car. Usually, I get fed up and clean it myself when I clean out my car during the summer, but this summer I was sick. He cleaned it outside in the driveway, in freezing temps, with the wind blowing. His excuse was that he was looking for a button off a broken flashlight. He actually vacuumed. I have never seen this man vacuum a car in 25 years.
His attitude toward me is weird too- sometimes being mean and yelling at me for no good reason, and other times, gentle and caring. He has been being really nice to me on Thursdays. (hahaha) I don’t get it.
I’m angry. I’m scared. I’m conflicted, to say the least. What if he leaves me? I have no income. I am very ill and I don’t qualify for SSDI because I spent my working years on our rental properties (which are pretty much worthless now). The rental business was never incorporated so I didn’t pay into SS. We paid a flat tax on the income, that was it.
I kinda feel sorry for him and I’m torn about if I should be angry if he is having sex outside of our marriage because I can’t- but if he is falling in love with someone and is going to leave me, this is the end of my world. I really don’t know what to do. Confront? Stay quiet and hope it goes away? He would lie and deny. I am his second wife. I’m guessing this is the scenario that happened with his first wife of 18 years. Thankfully, he was already divorced a while before he met me so I had nothing to do with whatever happened that time. I have this terrible urge to contact his first wife and ask her what I should do, but that seems like an equally horrible idea. He is 71 years old so it would be pretty stupid of him to dump me and start over again. I would get half of all assets and alimony. So do I just sit back quietly and wait for it to fizzle out? Let him do his thing? Or blow up my world and confront him? Advice? Anyone?
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