MS or Something Else?

Part 2 of my last post, Friday Afternoon

Letter to my sister:

“My doctor scolded me for not going to the hospital. He said if it happens again, go to the hospital immediately. He ordered an MRI for my brain and neck, and a MRA for both my head and my neck. He wants me to go asap but I don’t know if my insurance will allow it. I may have to wait until January. I have no sinus infection, so no antibiotics. My ears and throat are fine. It looks like it is MS or a blood clot that may have blocked the blood causing my eye to go half blind for 5 minutes or so.  He had me stand on one foot, raise my hands, walk in a straight line, close my eyes and he touched my fingertips to see if I could feel the right one-

He shone the light in my eyes and waved it around in a big circle to see if I could see left and right with my head still. It all seems fine now, no sign of a stroke. He said people don’t lose eyesight temporarily from a sinus infection. Sooooooo, now I wait for testing.”

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     My doctor asked in a round-about way if I had my neck “adjusted” (by a chiropractor) or had some kind of neck injury.  I said no at the time and then later that night, I remembered and had to send him an email the next morning…

     ” I’ve had time to think and yes, 8-10 days ago, I may have jerked my head back hard. I was bent over, digging around in our chest freezer when my 10 lb cat decided to jump for the top edge of the open freezer door. It crashed down on the top/back of my skull (left side) and I jumped up and backward. I remember the door hitting my left shoulder as I went back, before it slammed shut. My vision dimmed for a few seconds but it did not knock me out. I walked upstairs okay and put an ice-pack on my head. Any headache or neck pain resulting from the injury would have been ignored because I always have headaches and neckaches. A day or two later, I noticed a small scab on my scalp so it drew just a tiny bit of blood. Sorry, I didn’t remember this when we spoke. Shawna “

     His reply was “Get the MRI and MRA tests done as ordered.”

     Hubby is annoyed that we will have to go to battle with the insurance company and pay the deductible plus 20%, if we can get them to approve 3 procedures ordered by a doctor who is out of network.  Plus, there is the added sting of starting a new deductible with a new company next month.

     The moral to the story is  YES, MY CAT IS TRYING TO KILL ME.

Friday Afternoon

My body has always thought it’s a wonderful trick to play- get a new, weird symptom on a Friday afternoon when the doctor’s office is about to close for the weekend.  I have to determine quickly, is this going to kill me or can it wait until Monday?

Yesterday was a doozy. I was writing out holiday cards at the time and was having trouble focusing well enough to write the names and addresses. It was early afternoon and almost time for my afternoon nap when I suddenly got two hard muscle spasms in my cheek and the area on the right side of my mouth went tingly, then numb. The tingly lip thing had been happening on and off for about a week prior.  I assumed it was just fibromyalgia messing with me again, although the face spasm was a new twist.   Then I realized my vision was darker and I got scared.  I ran to the bathroom to find my right pupil was large and my left one was small.  I could still grin and my eyelids were not drooping or anything so it wasn’t Bells Palsy or a stroke.  I covered one eye and then the other.  My left eye with the small pupil was reacting to light and seeing the room well lit and bright.  My right eye pupil was large, not really reacting, and the room seemed quite a bit darker, with a blue or gray haze over it.

I did some quick googling and there are like 74 reasons your pupils could be a different size.  But with the particular symptoms I have, it kept coming back to Multiple Sclerosis. Don’t you just love the symptom checker on WebMD?  LOL  Ten years ago, when I was first diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I questioned if it could actually be MS.  My Uncle Ralph had MS so it is in my family.  The specialist assured me I had Fibro because of the tender point test when I almost accidentally punched him.  Fight or Flight!

In the past year, I’ve developed ME/CFS supposedly- extreme exhaustion and fatigue, made worse by activity. I’m also experiencing swollen glands and sore throats more often than normal along with headaches, weakness, and trouble walking.  Wait, most of those are also symptoms of MS.  Though swollen glands and sore throat are not as far as I can tell.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and checked my eyes again.  The right pupil is still bigger.  My vision is still a little bit off.  I have a headache and my eye hurts.  And I am still anxious, angry, and almost resigned to the fact that life sucks and it isn’t going to get better…. Unless the Electoral College Electors put Hillary in office!!

 

Haunted by Dreams

It’s 6am and I’ve woken from a dream; I’m very upset and unable to go back to sleep. The dream is too clear to forget so I start trying to analyze it.

I am on a boat, actually a yacht, off the coast of Ft. Lauderdale, where my husband and I used to vacation. I know the people, they invited me aboard and welcomed me. But I am upset because I am supposed to be aboard another boat, with people who know my family. I don’t really know them and it was an obligatory invite, or demand; I’m unsure. But as we go further out to sea, I am struggling to remember the name of the hotel where they were staying, so I could at least call and tell them I cannot make the trip with them. It seems like something I should do while my hosts tell me “Don’t worry about it.” The guilt is stifling.

There is also a small bit prior to the actual yacht ride- I cannot find my shoes. They seem to have disappeared. And I try to fix a window. It is already broken and needs replaced. However, as I work on it, it shatters completely. My host says it’s okay, we will just get a new one. It had to be done anyway.

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Back to reality- what is going on in my life at this moment? I just found out through the grapevine, on Thanksgiving Eve, that my father has been battling throat cancer since July. He has gone through radiation and chemo. I don’t know if there was a surgery or not. He has a feeding tube. He is now waiting on scans to see if the cancer is gone.

I am estranged from my family. The bearer of bad news also said “Dad says if you can’t be in his life when he is well, he doesn’t want you in it when he is sick.”
My mother is the one who destroyed our relationship and blocked me from her facebook and email. In time, my younger sister did the same. My brother sent me “anonymous” hate mail from a fake account and then deleted it immediately so I couldn’t reply to the vitriol.

I am sick myself although none of them really believe it. They say it’s all in my head, a way to get out of work, a way to take drugs legally. I have fibromyalgia, ME/CFS, and IBS that is looking more and more like Crohn’s Disease. My mother has Crohn’s and she certainly is believed. I have some symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis- my Uncle Ralph had MS.  My doctor wants me to do a nerve conductivity test but I keep putting him off.  My immune system is dysfunctional and he has also suggested that I get my tonsils removed. I do not go visit people because if they have any germs around, I will get sick. I go to the grocery during off times when there are few people around. I don’t use the telephone except for doctors appointments and insurance arguments. I stutter badly or lose my train of thought on the phone. Even if I did take the chance and try to call my Dad, I don’t think he could even talk right now. I could mail a letter to my dad but my mom is like the gatekeeper. He will probably never see it and she will delight in reading it and throwing it in the trash.  I’ve written before and have no idea if he even knows- there was no reply.

I am so depressed right now, so sick and in such physical and mental pain. I cry for my father, who I cannot seem to reach out to in a constructive way. Hubby suggested I drive out to see him- but she may turn me away at the door. I’m so sick at the moment though that I could not make the drive anyway. I mourned the loss of my parents from my life 10 years ago when the argument, disownment, and estrangement happened. If he dies without me seeing him ever again- does he miss me? Would he want to talk or write with me again? Am I hurting him worse by staying away?

And it was said- stay away. If you can’t be in his life while he is healthy, don’t come when he is sick

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