It’s 6am and I’ve woken from a dream; I’m very upset and unable to go back to sleep. The dream is too clear to forget so I start trying to analyze it.
I am on a boat, actually a yacht, off the coast of Ft. Lauderdale, where my husband and I used to vacation. I know the people, they invited me aboard and welcomed me. But I am upset because I am supposed to be aboard another boat, with people who know my family. I don’t really know them and it was an obligatory invite, or demand; I’m unsure. But as we go further out to sea, I am struggling to remember the name of the hotel where they were staying, so I could at least call and tell them I cannot make the trip with them. It seems like something I should do while my hosts tell me “Don’t worry about it.” The guilt is stifling.
There is also a small bit prior to the actual yacht ride- I cannot find my shoes. They seem to have disappeared. And I try to fix a window. It is already broken and needs replaced. However, as I work on it, it shatters completely. My host says it’s okay, we will just get a new one. It had to be done anyway.
Back to reality- what is going on in my life at this moment? I just found out through the grapevine, on Thanksgiving Eve, that my father has been battling throat cancer since July. He has gone through radiation and chemo. I don’t know if there was a surgery or not. He has a feeding tube. He is now waiting on scans to see if the cancer is gone.
I am estranged from my family. The bearer of bad news also said “Dad says if you can’t be in his life when he is well, he doesn’t want you in it when he is sick.”
My mother is the one who destroyed our relationship and blocked me from her facebook and email. In time, my younger sister did the same. My brother sent me “anonymous” hate mail from a fake account and then deleted it immediately so I couldn’t reply to the vitriol.
I am sick myself although none of them really believe it. They say it’s all in my head, a way to get out of work, a way to take drugs legally. I have fibromyalgia, ME/CFS, and IBS that is looking more and more like Crohn’s Disease. My mother has Crohn’s and she certainly is believed. I have some symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis- my Uncle Ralph had MS. My doctor wants me to do a nerve conductivity test but I keep putting him off. My immune system is dysfunctional and he has also suggested that I get my tonsils removed. I do not go visit people because if they have any germs around, I will get sick. I go to the grocery during off times when there are few people around. I don’t use the telephone except for doctors appointments and insurance arguments. I stutter badly or lose my train of thought on the phone. Even if I did take the chance and try to call my Dad, I don’t think he could even talk right now. I could mail a letter to my dad but my mom is like the gatekeeper. He will probably never see it and she will delight in reading it and throwing it in the trash. I’ve written before and have no idea if he even knows- there was no reply.
I am so depressed right now, so sick and in such physical and mental pain. I cry for my father, who I cannot seem to reach out to in a constructive way. Hubby suggested I drive out to see him- but she may turn me away at the door. I’m so sick at the moment though that I could not make the drive anyway. I mourned the loss of my parents from my life 10 years ago when the argument, disownment, and estrangement happened. If he dies without me seeing him ever again- does he miss me? Would he want to talk or write with me again? Am I hurting him worse by staying away?
And it was said- stay away. If you can’t be in his life while he is healthy, don’t come when he is sick