You would think by now, after seeing all that damage from my mother, I would see how other relationships I’ve gotten into are the same. I keep making the same mistake. It’s too late now, I am where I am and now I just have to deal with it. I couldn’t understand how my dad could put up with it all these years, but now I get it. He feels stuck. As do I.
I know I haven’t written a post in a long time. Every time I have felt like writing, and there have been several- it always felt like it was going to be a rant or a complaint. I want to write about good things, uplifting things, things that are interesting to read about without bringing the reader down. But this has been a really shitty year, all around. Every day, I wake up wondering if trump is going to start world war 3 with NK. The massive GOP tax scam bill has passed and the rich get richer. Read my twitter feed for the sorry blow by blow of the last six months or twelve months or whatever. It’s sickening and pathetic. I used to think this country was great; boy was I naive.
This past spring was my 25th wedding anniversary with my husband. We had dinner out and took our picture via tripod at the gazebo where we were married. It was pretty much a non-event because I wasn’t feeling great.
This summer was hard. I hurt my knee really bad and was using a cane to walk. On top of that, I had an ME/CFS flare that kept me in bed for 4-hour naps in the afternoon and moving like a snail the rest of the time. I was really out of it. The bright spot was our August trip to Tennessee to see the solar eclipse. The trip was tolerable but the event itself was spectacular. I can’t wait for the next one in 2024 that comes through Ohio.
This autumn, I had x-rays, physical therapy, doctor visits, and came out of the ME/CFS flare. My mind is clearer and I am only needing one nap in the morning for one hour so I’m much more awake. My knee is still sore and I am still doing the exercises but now I can walk again. Because of that, I was able to cut back on my pain meds, by almost half. I’m woke.
Then I started noticing stuff. He stopped wearing his wedding ring. He took his picture of me out of his wallet. He lost 5 lbs. and is working on losing more. He bought new clothes for himself and is suddenly concerned that he not have any holes in his socks and has on nice underwear on Friday night. (He goes out every Friday to shoot pool and have a few beers.) He started wearing cologne on these “shooting pool” nights. This past Thursday, he cleaned out his car, after saying its so dirty, it’s embarrassing. To who?? I have nagged him for YEARS to clean his car. Usually, I get fed up and clean it myself when I clean out my car during the summer, but this summer I was sick. He cleaned it outside in the driveway, in freezing temps, with the wind blowing. His excuse was that he was looking for a button off a broken flashlight. He actually vacuumed. I have never seen this man vacuum a car in 25 years.
His attitude toward me is weird too- sometimes being mean and yelling at me for no good reason, and other times, gentle and caring. He has been being really nice to me on Thursdays. (hahaha) I don’t get it.
I’m angry. I’m scared. I’m conflicted, to say the least. What if he leaves me? I have no income. I am very ill and I don’t qualify for SSDI because I spent my working years on our rental properties (which are pretty much worthless now). The rental business was never incorporated so I didn’t pay into SS. We paid a flat tax on the income, that was it.
I kinda feel sorry for him and don’t really mind if he is having sex outside of our marriage because I can’t- but if he is falling in love with someone and is going to leave me, this is the end of my world. I really don’t know what to do. Confront? Stay quiet and hope it goes away? He would lie and deny. I am his second wife. I’m pretty sure this is the scenario that happened with his first wife of 18 years. Thankfully, he was already divorced a while before he met me so I had nothing to do with whatever happened that time. I have this terrible urge to contact his first wife and ask her what I should do, but that seems like an equally horrible idea. He is 71 years old so it would be pretty stupid of him to dump me and start over again. I would get half of all assets and alimony. So do I just sit back quietly and wait for it to fizzle out? Let him do his thing? Or blow up my world and confront him? Advice? Anyone?
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What to Do When You Have to Resort to the Emergency Room (When You Have a Chronic Illness)
A trip to the ER is no fun, no matter how you spin it. When you’re a chronic pain patient or someone with a chronic illness that can cause bouts of severe pain, it can be a complete and total nightmare.
A patient with chronic pain can help the Emergency Room staff to understand that their medical problems, especially pain, are a legitimate emergency by following a few guidelines and suggestions that will lessen some of the unpleasant drama of going to the ER.
Always bear in mind that the Emergency Room is a last resort, and Urgent Care will almost always turn away a patient with a chronic illness. Hospitals are so wrapped up in covering their asses legally that they have started turning away chronic pain patients much like Urgent Care does…
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Today, as I was taking a break in the shade while working on my garden, I saw the garter snake that lives in that area of my yard. He/She is getting really big and I’ve seen it enough times now to feel like it’s a pet. I really wanted to pick it up, but there was no good reason to, so I left it be. In the past, I have picked it up to relocate when I’m hoeing weeds so as not to injure it. Although you can’t tell by the pictures, the brown area on it looks like soft brown velvet.
Here is a little clip of it flicking it’s tongue, trying to determine if a cell phone is dangerous or delicious. Sorry about my hands shaking the recording!
Snake Story 2
When we lived in the old house in downtown, there was a railroad beltline track behind our house. My little tabby, Mandy, would go up the hill into the rocks and bring home little snakes to me. She is the only cat I’ve ever had that went after snakes.
Snake Story # 3
This one is the one that still makes me laugh when I think about it.
Back in the early 2000’s, I would visit my parents for 2 weeks every summer and we would go to the Sierra Nevada mountains, by Downieville, CA, to dredge the Lavezzola Creek for gold. I had a diving mask and snorkel on and I was using a powered high banker to suck the sand and muck out from under a huge boulder overhanging the water. I flipped over a huge rock and a water snake came swirling out. I screamed (in my snorkel), flew up out of the water, smashed the top of my head into the boulder- I then fell back down into the water, waving my arms all over the place and came up laughing and choking! I knew I was supposed to watch out for rattlers, bears and mountain lions, but Dad never said there would be anything in the water to fear. I was embarrassed but I can laugh at myself.
water snake in Placer County There is a video at the bottom of the pictures on this page- watch it, and you will understand the screaming! You have to save it to your computer first, the page won’t let me link the video.
Snake Story # 4 (featuring TWO snakes!)
When I was a wee girl, the parents took us kids to West Virginia on vacation. We went to stay at a trailer for a week out in the middle of nowhere, it seemed. I guess it was a “hunting property” and there was nothing but nature all around. There was a wood pile for bonfires and of course, a snake lived there. It was a really big black snake and we kids were dancing around, screeching about it excitedly. Then Dad took out a shotgun and killed it as it tried to climb up a nearby tree. I remember we were all silent, in shock, from the loud sound, and the bloody motionless snake. It then became an oft-told tale years after, the time when Daddy killed the black snake. I even painted a picture of the event and my parents had to explain the bloody-black-snake-in-the-tree tale to my grade school teacher. It was one of those “What did you do on summer vacation” assignments.
On that same vacation, my brother and I were playing in a nearby creek, catching crawdads. We figured out little ones hid beneath little rocks and bigger ones beneath bigger rocks. So he and I decided we would flip over this really big rock together and catch the big crawdad that just had to be under there. (kids, you know?) We stood side by side and counted to three, and flipped that sucker over. Water SNAKE !! We screamed and jumped up onto the bank and ran for the trailer. Dad was trying to get a description out of us so he could determine if it was a poisonous water moccasin or just a regular, mostly safe, water snake. It was gone in a flash so we couldn’t describe that one. We were afraid to go into the creek after that. I don’t remember if we were even allowed.
Not snake related, but a funny note about that trip: We heard a spooky-weird sound while sitting at the campfire one night, and Dad convinced us it was BigFoot! I know now that he was teasing us, but I went around telling people for years after, that I heard BigFoot one time.
This is probably what we were hearing!
Sad but true….
Chris Cornell, 1964-2017
Chris Cornell died early Thursday morning. His band Soundgarden played a show on Wednesday night at the Fox Theater in Detroit. Two hours after the show ended, he was gone.
For two days, I’ve been working on a piece to pay tribute to him, and it’s been a struggle. Usually when I have a problem like this it’s because I’m staring at a blank screen trying to figure out what I want to say. That’s not the problem this time. The problem is I have way too much to say.
I’m not going to sit here and claim to have been a huge fan of Soundgarden. I didn’t dislike them, I just had to take them in small doses. I was a fan of Cornell. I love “Seasons,” the solo song he had on Cameron Crowe’s movie, Singles. It’s a droning acoustic song about isolation and the…
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Eight years ago, when I first moved to this neighborhood, I brought 14 cats with me. More than half of them were being socialized to be re-homed (after spaying/neutering of course). My old neighborhood was overrun with strays and ferals and they were all reproducing like rabbits. I already owned several cats, mostly foster fails, and didn’t plan on keeping too many more.
Seven was my only ginger, and he did not like the other cats. He was more of a dog cat. The people who had him before had dogs and I’m sure he thought he was a dog for a long time. Anyway, after moving here, he decided to run away from home and move in with a family about 6-8 houses down the road. (They have old dogs.) I missed him but since I had so many cats to deal with, I let him go. I spoke with the neighbors and they said he liked living in their garage. Not ideal, but it was his choice.
Now, 7 years later, Seven is trying to come back to me and it’s not working out too well. I recently adopted another neighborhood stray whom unbeknownst to me, he had been battling for the past 4 years. Now that stray, Ozzy, is a permanent part of my household.
I once made the mistake of letting Seven in to eat when Ozzy was in the other room. He came racing into the kitchen and tried to attack him. I grabbed Seven and Ozzy lit into my leg, trying to climb up to get him. Now I have to lock Ozzy in the basement before letting Seven in, and give him a head start back to the neighbor’s garage before letting Ozzy out. The other morning, they sat on opposite sides of the kitchen window, growling at each other. First with Seven outside, and then later, Ozzy outside and Seven inside. I’m back to juggling cats again.
Source: Gratitude – for Calvin