I was suicidal last winter

via The Mighty | We face disability, disease and mental illness together  

I was isolated, sick, depressed and ignored.  (Fibromyalgia, ME/CFS)  My husband didn’t listen to my repeated attempts at conversation about wanting to die.  He wouldn’t agree to buy me CBD pills to make me feel better.  I was alone in a dark room with a migraine much of the time… with a dresser drawer full of handguns, some of them loaded.

One night in April, some guys I hired off facebook came and moved my belongings out to another house and I left a note, left my husband of 26 years while he was out at the bar.  I’m filing for divorce.

Today, I’m more alive than I’ve been in years.

Being Single?

I left him in April, Friday the 13th to be exact. A whole lot happened that I won’t go into here, but I am trying to build a life for myself in the here and now. I’m following a support group on facebook for narcissistic abuse support and recovery and seeing a therapist weekly. He is not a monster, not nearly as bad as what some of these people are dealing with. I remember the true sociopathic narcissist I was with for 10 months back when I was 19 and my husband really is a great guy in comparison. However, he does gaslight me. He does lie to me. He does speak to me in a condescending tone in front of others and argues in a circular fashion that makes me feel like I’m the crazy one. He is financially abusive- spending however much he wants on whatever he wants but I have to beg and plead for most anything over $50. I remember standing in Big Lots trying to convince him to buy me a beautiful mirrored jewelry box for $20. The one I had was 25 years old and a cheap Chinese wood thing that was so rough, the dust wouldn’t come off when I cleaned it. I got the mirrored box but it took 10 minutes of pleading and two passes around the store. The 20-year fight over a new stove is a prime example. Maybe I will explain that one in another post.

He disregards my ideas and my opinions, sometimes saying I am flat out wrong, even when I have science backing me up. Did you know it has been scientifically proven that hot water freezes faster than cold water? When I tried to have a nice science-y conversation with him, which he would normally like as long as he was the speaker, he about blew a gasket. He argued he took physics in college (early 1960’s) and we could stick hot and cold water in the freezer right now and test it. I told him a scientist proved in 1969 that it was true in controlled experiments.  Google proved me right and he argued you can get any answer you want off the internet if you look hard enough. (BTW, it’s called the  Mpemba effect, named after Erasto Mpemba) He was full of rage and having a full-on tantrum, stomping around, screaming, and I just watched in amazement.  I didn’t cry and get upset like I normally would have during one of his rages.  It was like I could see him in reality for the first time.

Way back when we were first married, we had an argument over how the sex of a baby is determined- the whole x and y thing. I actually went to the library and took out human biology and sex books to prove I was right and he still insisted he was right and I wasn’t hearing him correctly. I should have known back then where this was headed, but I was in love. I thought he was just stubborn. It turns out he is pathologically stubborn.

The sad part of all of this is he has been getting worse as he gets older. He is meaner and yells more often. He yells at his sister on the phone. He was yelling a lot at one of his oldest friends until he figured out the friend was having cognitive difficulties. He still slips up and yells at him sometimes. And he yells at me. Not since I left, of course, he is trying to win me back. But if I were to go back, the yelling would return.

I reposted this pic yesterday on Facebook, thinking about him sneaking around and lying to me about meeting up with people for dates. When I woke up this morning and saw it again, I thought about all the times I had to sneak money to help my sisters out. We had enough and they were in a bind. Or the times I would pay a vet bill, half cash and half on the credit card so he would not know how much I actually spent on one of our cat’s medical needs. I thought about the times I lied about how much I spent at a store or out for lunch with my girlfriends so he wouldn’t be mad. Or the hundreds of lies: “I have a headache” because I was too heartbroken by his actions and did not want to have sex with him. When I tried talking with him about feelings and intimacy, he just did not get it, did not want to talk about it, and would change the subject to something he wanted to talk about. Or he would use the old stand-by, “my parents left me alone as a child. I never learned about hugging and closeness- I don’t like it”. Well he didn’t want to learn it from me. I give up. I am going to be single.

If you are interested in reading more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, here is a good starting point. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201311/6-signs-narcissism-you-may-not-know-about

Woooo!

I just sent the husband the link and demanded to see his results!  LOL

IQ Test

via My IQ Test Score

Tripping Over My Own Feet

You would think by now, after seeing all that damage from my mother, I would see how other relationships I’ve gotten into are the same.  I keep making the same mistake.  It’s too late now, I am where I am and now I just have to deal with it.  I couldn’t understand how my dad could put up with it all these years, but now I get it.  He feels stuck.  As do I.

Just Read this:   The 8 Most Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics | Free From Toxic

He’s Cheating On Me

I know I haven’t written a post in a long time.  Every time I have felt like writing, and there have been several- it always felt like it was going to be a rant or a complaint.  I want to write about good things, uplifting things, things that are interesting to read about without bringing the reader down.  But this has been a really shitty year, all around.  Every day, I wake up wondering if trump is going to start world war 3 with NK.  The massive GOP tax scam bill has passed and the rich get richer.  Read my twitter feed for the sorry blow by blow of the last six months or twelve months or whatever.  It’s sickening and pathetic.  I used to think this country was great; boy was I naive.

This past spring was my 25th wedding anniversary with my husband.  We had dinner out and took our picture via tripod at the gazebo where we were married.  It was pretty much a non-event because I wasn’t feeling great.

This summer was hard.  I hurt my knee really bad and was using a cane to walk.  On top of that, I had an ME/CFS flare that kept me in bed for 4-hour naps in the afternoon and moving like a snail the rest of the time.  I was really out of it.  The bright spot was our August trip to Tennessee to see the solar eclipse.  The trip was tolerable but the event itself was spectacular.  I can’t wait for the next one in 2024 that comes through Ohio.

This autumn, I had x-rays, physical therapy, doctor visits, and came out of the ME/CFS flare.  My mind is clearer and I am only needing one nap in the morning for one hour so I’m much more awake.  My knee is still sore and I am still doing the exercises but now I can walk again.  Because of that, I was able to cut back on my pain meds, by almost half.  I’m woke.

Then I started noticing stuff.  He stopped wearing his wedding ring.  He took his picture of me out of his wallet.  He lost 5 lbs. and is working on losing more.  He bought new clothes for himself and is suddenly concerned that he not have any holes in his socks and has on nice underwear on Friday night.  (He goes out every Friday to shoot pool and have a few beers.)  He started wearing cologne on these “shooting pool” nights.  This past Thursday, he cleaned out his car, after saying its so dirty, it’s embarrassing.  To who??  I have nagged him for YEARS to clean his car.  Usually, I get fed up and clean it myself when I clean out my car during the summer, but this summer I was sick.  He cleaned it outside in the driveway, in freezing temps, with the wind blowing.  His excuse was that he was looking for a button off a broken flashlight.  He actually vacuumed.  I have never seen this man vacuum a car in 25 years.

His attitude toward me is weird too- sometimes being mean and yelling at me for no good reason, and other times, gentle and caring.  He has been being really nice to me on Thursdays.  (hahaha) I don’t get it.

I’m angry.  I’m scared. I’m conflicted, to say the least.  What if he leaves me?  I have no income.  I am very ill and I don’t qualify for SSDI because I spent my working years on our rental properties (which seem pretty much worthless now).  The rental business was never incorporated so I didn’t pay into SS.  We paid a flat tax on the income, that was it.

I kinda feel sorry for him and I’m torn about if I should be angry if he is having sex outside of our marriage because I can’t- but if he is falling in love with someone and is going to leave me, this is the end of my world.   I really don’t know what to do.   Confront?  Stay quiet and hope it goes away?  He would lie and deny.    I am his second wife.  I’m guessing this is the scenario that happened with his first wife of 18 years.  Thankfully, he was already divorced a while before he met me so I had nothing to do with whatever happened that time.   I have this terrible urge to contact his first wife and ask her what I should do, but that seems like an equally horrible idea.  He is 71 years old so it would be pretty stupid of him to dump me and start over again.  I would get half of all assets and alimony.  So do I just sit back quietly and wait for it to fizzle out?  Let him do his thing?  Or blow up my world and confront him?  Advice?  Anyone?

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